52. Ευχου δυνατα

Pray for things possible 

The Fiancee and I have had numerous discussions about faith over the years. We’ve had some discussions when my faith has been shaky, and we’ve had numerous discussions when he has wondered about his.

For the past few months he has been repeating the same phrase whenever things come up in our lives: “I feel there’s something on my back”. For non-Whovians this is in reference to an episode when Companion Donna Noble ends up with a creature on her back that begins to influence her decisions and life events and changes the course of her life.

For us, there has been a lot of turmoil with absolutely insane events. He finally had shoulder surgery, but i really didn’t hold up as well as we both had anticipated. His mom went nutters, called him horrible names two months after his surgery for literally no reason, and he decided to stand up for himself for the first time . That caused a wall of silence in the family for months. This is a family that prides itself on how close knit they are. Unfortunately, his job was in the family business so that effectively barred him from going back to work once his shoulder recovered. So, he hiked up his big boy pants and took over the finances and somehow made it work. Through that, however, we looked at ourselves more as a separate family unit, just the two of us. But we were still trying to get back on an even keel from the surgery, my failed semester of school, and a slow decay of our communication skills.

Christmas rolled around and the rift was being suspended in favour of the holidays. But then the next day things went back to normal and he still kept on sticking up for himself…at least until New Years Eve when we received a phone call saying they had just bought us a new car. Which was extremely fortuitous because our car was on it’s way to the big old junkyard in the sky. But because this new car was so much newer and nicer than our current car, our insurance went up significantly. So, the car sealed the rift, and The Fiancee returned to work.

Then The INCIDENT happened, all of our communication skills left went right out the window. This also happened right as the docs were fucking with my meds, which caused one of the worst depressive episodes since before I was on meds. But, he decides to come with me to my next therapist appointment.  From there we were able to air things out in a controlled environment with a mediator.

So, as we are getting back on track, we find out his sister has just got a house. She currently resides in an apartment building owned by their parents. We have been trying to figure out a way to get out of our apartment because it is actively trying to kill us. So, he hiked up his big boy pants again and asked if we could move in there after his sister leaves.  We will move in after the sale on the house closes, and the apartment is rehabbed. We will of course to pay rent, about 50 less than we pay now. So we still have to be responsible.

Now after all that verbal diarrhea that could probably have just been summed up as :::stuff happened:::, we come to the faith portion of the post.

Literally right before his surgery one of my Spiritual Friends came to visit. She suggested moving my altars and such into a more central location, to bring my faith outwards so to speak. I immediately put both statues on the top of the fridge and set about trying to get money to buy them a more permanent altar. The funds weren’t available. I wrote a petition out then asking for a smoother path to getting them new altars.  Then I set fire to the top of the fridge (and Aphrodite- hence the reason she is in technicolor courtesy of my Spiritual Friend’s restoration efforts), and they had to go back to their original spots.

Then the apartment got worse. It seemed like every time we looked around we found something else wrong. On top of that I didn’t receive my school refund as we had anticioated, so still no funds.  I had been talking to my Spiritual Friend, and she suggested broadening my petitions to ask for a safer and better place in which to place their new altars.

It wasn’t smooth by any means, but when the Gods are about Their work, nothing ever is.

Yesterday The Fiancee came home and started talking again about “something on his back”.  As if lately we were like moving pieces on a board. I told him about my petitions months ago and how things had probably been in motion from the very start.

Two days previous he had gotten into a faith argument with an atheist friend of his. The Fiancee has faith of a sort. He believes there are bigger forces at work, he’s had his own interactions with both Hermes and Aphrodite, he’s had flashes of insight.

But now faith is staring down at him. When I asked what made him uncomfortable about the situation he said it made him feel as if he wasn’t in full control of events, like he was being shuffled around a cosmic board. All I could say was “THAT is faith. You give up part of your control to the Gods. You do retain some control, because you can’t ask them for something and then do nothing towards it.” I’m not sure if he was totally satisfied with that answer.

I’m actually hoping that this opens up a new line of discussion on faith. I think it would be good for the both of us, to be a sounding board for exploring and strengthening our beliefs.

Especially in our new place. If we survive this place long enough to get there.

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Τα λάθη είναι ανθρώπινα, να είναι Θείο είναι Ύβρις

To err is human, to be Divine is Hubris

I know I keep bringing up The INCIDENT,  but it is currently the major stressor and spiritual blocker in my life currently.  And yet it has also brought some embers to life and added some water into my empty pot of spiritual energy.

You hear the phrase “to err is human, to forgive is Divine” over and over again. I have been mulling this over and over in reference to my current situation (along with Jedi philosophy), and I have decided that phrase is pretty close to the definition of hubris. I mean at the end of it all you are proclaiming to be on the same level as the Gods themselves. And the act of forgiving someone does not a Divinity make.

How much of forgiveness is truly ultruistic? When we are children we say we forgive people because an adult demands we do so. All that is is getting the adult off your back so you can get back to playing. As an adult we tend to be forgiving because it is the socially acceptable thing to do. And the “forgive and forget” is bullshit too. You will always remember, it’s what you do with the memory that makes a difference.

So here we are, outwardly proclaiming equality with the Gods but still acting like the lesser beings we areon the inside. Why is it not OK to simply admit our human failings? Why has that become the standard? I know I can’t live up to the impossible. I shall continue to make mistakes as I stumble through this thing called life. I will anger people, and be angry at others. I will think dark thoughts and in moments of human weakness say them. We should not hold ourselves or others to impossible standards where they are doomed to fail.

Also, does “I forgive you, so I guess that means I’m better than you” count as real forgiveness anyway? I’m going no.

Χαίρετε στην πληρότητα της Σελήνης

Rejoice in the fullness of the Moon.

Two nights ago the moon was full, high in the sky, and as bright as a beacon. I felt more energized than I have since The INCIDENT took place. I decided to do a couple of things in order to capitalize on the energies around me.

First I wrote a petition to Aphrodite Epistrophia (She Who Turns To Love) asking for help to get through the fallout of the INCIDENT that is still swirling around me. I asked her to help me turn to the Light of love and away from petty jealousy. I gave her a gift of herbs and a promise of grapefruit vodka when the funds are available.

Next I turned to Hermes Nomios (Protector of Flocks) to help shield me from the inevitable second act to this drama. I asked him to stand as my shield against someone he didn’t like (the one and only time this person has ever come to my house they walked by his altar and became violently ill and had to leave.) I did remind him that this person had the audacity and hubris to insult him. I promised him more tea lights for is brand new onyx holder, as well as some wine coolers when the funds are available.

I am really hoping to move past this whole ordeal, but the four people I have talked to about The INCIDENT all say the same thing: this is a precursor to another round of bullshit.

May the Gods protect me.

 

Ελάτε στην πλευρά darks, έχουμε μπισκότα!

Come to the Darkside, we have COOKIES!

It’s a little unconventional and perhaps a little silly to find any kind of religious philosophy in the Stars Wars universe. But I have found a few things of note (including in the prequels). This is something I have been thinking about since the INCIDENT that caused me having to start a new blog.

Here we have two extreme ends of the spectrum, the Light and the Dark. You can only choose one. As Yoda says, once you start down the Darkside it will forever dominate your destiny. It is easy to follow down the dark path. To corrupt who you are. And of course they offer you a delicious dessert snack as a sweetener. However, too many cookies will eventually make you horribly sick.

If we follow that food analogy to the Lightside, they offer carrots. A healthy alternative that will help you grow. The Lightside will enrich your life, but it takes more effort and strength of will to walk the path. But there is a danger too. Eating nothing but carrots can cause you to turn orange.

So which path do you follow?

My answer is a little bit of both. As humans we tend to have good and bad sides. No matter how peace loving you are, there will be those dark moments that creep in in moments of weakness. Like having to stand in line at the grocery store when you are starving and your pint of Ben and Jerry’s you bought yourself as a treat is slowly melting into soup and the old woman in front of you is paying by check and she is taking an eternity to painstakingly write it out as if she is using complicated calligraphy and suddenly all you can think about is screaming at this poor old woman to hurry the fuck up already before you take that checkbook and chuck it! 

These are the times we cannot control. We might not scream in frustration but we’ll probably let out great heaving sighs of frustration and roll our eyes so hard they’ll pop out of our heads. It’s like dipping toes into the dark waters. You’ll get a little wet, but your not going to drown.

What happens when you dunk a leg in or wade in the shallow waters? Does that negate every good thing you’ve ever done? Will those moments acted out of anger and jealousy permanently change the fundamentals of who we are? Does this have mean you are no longer a Jedi on the Light path and have turned full on Sith Lord with no hope of redemption?

I don’t think so. Some people do. Sometimes we do not so good things for the misguided right reasons. After all, Anakin fell into Palpatine’s grand scheme because the Jedi tried to deny and rise above any true emotion, which sets him up to fail to begin with, and he believed becoming Sith with not only the right to feel strong feelings, but that his new powers born from that was the one and only way to save his wife and unborn children. Granted killing a school full of Younglings is a lot worse than just attempting to banish someone toxic, but I still think the analogy works. Besides, in the end he saves his son so he half got what he wanted and was redeemed.

So yes, good people can do not very good things, but that does not change them on a fundamental level. I guess what I really mean is that we are all flawed, and to try and be otherwise, or hold someone to a much higher standard that trumps the human ability will only lead to trouble, failure, and disillusionment.

Also, be sure to eat a balanced diet.

Και στην αρχή των πάντων…

And at the beginning of everything…

My first post on a new blog. After taking a bend on the Ramblin’Spiritual Path, I arrived at a turning point. Memories can be wonderful things, but they can also come back to haunt your present self, hindering the progression to your highest spiritual self.

Posts of my past (some more recent than others), reached eyes that were never thought would, nor was it written, to be seen. And so a hard look at myself was in order. I decided to abandon that world of memories six years strong and attempt to start from fresh.

I am sure my bad parts will emerge again, after all one is only human, but perhaps without all the negative reminders my better self shine a little brighter.

My goal here is to become comfortable once again with writing about my spirituality without the worry of possibly of making some people in my life uncomfortable. To write out my thoughts and possibly get helpful feedback as I fumble, stumble, and pull myself along this path.

May the Gods look favourably upon me.